I REFUSE (blog file - 4)

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that all I can be to you, is be a friend. We were never meant to be back together.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn't control me any longer. Don't get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won't let it hold me back. I won't let it ruin who I was and who I am now. Since the day we broke up, I almost forgot who I was without you. I'll never let that happen again. I won't ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I've been fighting. I've been fighting for our friendship and most importantly to me, my promise to forever love you, the only way I know how. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I'm going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But days have passed, I haven't heard from you. If I did, it was because you want to ask me something. Not because you remembered me or because you're there sitting in your room and you remembered that boy you met 3 Valentines day ago. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was once mine and never will be mine again.

I refuse to believe that you didn't love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me after we broke up, but I know that what we had was real, and that you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find her, but I will. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don't regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. But at the same time, that 'hope' also kept me wishin' on something quite...impossible. For now.